Oh no!!! This makes me so angry for you - wtf? How terrible this is that it created such distance for you from a special time when you had killed it all along. I hate it. I’m so sorry this happened.
I too have a tongue-stuck-down-my throat on-mass-transit-story - it was the ‘visting director’ and I was the actress who he wanted to give ‘any role I wanted’ - which meant I chose a much lesser role cause I knew everyone else knew that he wanted into my pants. I stayed way the hell away after that to ensure no body parts came close - gah! He was 25 years my senior with a wife and a baby. And the Dean asked me to show up to a fundraiser telling me that director wanted me there. What!?! The hell!?! Gross multiplied by gross.
Disgusting behaviour, but so not surprising. I'm sorry you had to deal with that, Jane. I hate that in both of these situations we lost out despite having done nothing wrong.
I’m so sorry you experienced this. Mine was a driving instructor - I was 19 years old, learning to drive at university and the instructor asked me to park up next a quiet, grassy area and told me he had a “talent”: he could guess a woman’s cup size by juggling her breasts in his hands. I remember feeling so vulnerable in the car alone with him. He must have been in his 40s at the time, he had a teenage daughter and a partner, and I remember that feeling of not knowing what was going to happen next - and of being afraid. Fortunately, nothing did happen (but I gave up on the driving lessons until I finished university). Now, almost 40 myself, I think about that time often and feel angry that that the power dynamic was so disproportionate that he felt empowered to behave that way.
This makes me so angry too, Victoria. Thank you for sharing. You put driving on hold because of him, hence not being able to gain the skill you wanted when you wanted. That's so wrong.
And that seems to be the common theme: women feeling like they have to change their behaviour to accommodate, or avoid, the bad behaviour of the men in question, rather than the men in question learning that their behaviour is disgraceful. It’s not fair, it’s not right but I am ever hopeful that it will be different for future generations.
I’m horrified you were treated like this! In my first job, when I was 18, a friend of my boss used to come in for a chat. He was ex Met Police now working in ‘security’ His speciality was “weighing’ my breasts my coming up behind me and lifting my bra straps. I had no idea how to handle it or him. Sometimes there were members of the public present (it was an Estate Agents), sometimes I was in the phone talking to a potential house buyer. My boss did nothing. It’s just one example in a life time of similar experiences of men mis-using their power, getting a kick out of making women (and girls) feel unsafe, uncomfortable and publicly humiliated. I loved my job but never felt safe there.
This is so humiliating and I’m angry for you that you had to deal with this. Especially as nobody called it out. It’s so incredibly depressing to hear how almost every single woman who has read this post has a story of some kind. Thank you for sharing - maybe if we keep drawing attention to these ‘situations’ it may slowly start to make certain people realise that this isn’t ok. At all. And, we remember.
Mine was a client at work in my twenties. He lunged at me in a pub trying to kiss me and immediately apologised and stopped when I pulled away and he saw my face. Of course I never mentioned it at work and yes, I thought that it was my fault. I just thought it was one of those things that came with working in a male dominated sector. Most men were paternal with me, as he had been. His daughters weren’t much younger than me. I shrugged it off, nothing to see here. Just one of those work stories we collected.
It’s taken me years to realise that this has been the case. As with your experience, I think I shrugged it off and buried the memory as an embarrassing story. The irony is that it should have been him that was embarrassed, not me!
Ugh sorry Hannah - this sounds horrible. And I’m angry on your behalf!
But what was strange and sad I realized as I read this piece, is that I thought it myself that I would imagine (and put money on) most of us (females) having a similar story to tell.
So many… I dont know which one to write about. In the 1980’s In my early 20’s, I worked for some Eurobond brokers in the City of London. Lots of alcohol, and money, these guys thought they could do anything. My life has had so many of these uncomfortable moments which in retrospect did affect where I went. I used to dread going to work and passing these guys in the corridor.
I’m 64 now, and now have a little bit more chutzpah to be able to say to someone how I feel. Back then it was the “norm” and not called out.
I was not equipped back then or did I have the self confidence to respond to the perpetrators. Some of the time I was flattered at the attention. How misguided I was! I wish could call out some of these guys now.
Thanks for sharing Eleanor and I’m sorry you had to deal with this as the norm back then. I do hope things are moving on but think it’s very slow progress.
So sorry this happened to you, Hannah. Sadly, as you said, most of us have one or more of these incidents filed away in our past, the impact of which is much bigger than many of us let on. I have too many to tell, unfortunately. I recently fired a man who had done regular maintenance work on our home for years when he used a casual side hug to cop a feel. I didn't think twice.
Sorry you had to experience that, Maria but good to know that you were able to call it out right away. It’s especially disappointing coming from someone you’ve known for years and trusted.
Thank you for sharing this, Hannah. I’m so sorry that you had to experience this. What a horrid man. Like others say, where do you start? So many to choose from…
Thanks Naomi. It’s so depressing isn’t it that so many people don’t know where to begin on their list of similar experiences. I hope that by writing about it, it might help a tiny bit. We can hope!
Thank you for sharing that Hannah. it feels corny to say but, I'm sorry for your loss. It was a loss of many things for you. I am glad you got it out of you and hope it inspires others to do the same.
Thanks Edie. I hope so too. It’s amazing what we bury in our brains and how we take ourselves out of the situation. I wish I’d had the courage to face up to him but I didn’t.
Thank you for sharing your story and sorry this happened to you. In corporate life in my twenties I worked with a lot of senior men in their fifties and it was always surprising to me that many of them clearly didn’t get that I saw them as a mentor or paternalistic supportive figure, not a crush!
I’m so sad for you that this man sullied your relationship with a cherished institution and special time in your life. It’s abhorrent, and depressing that so many of us (if not all of us women) have similar stories x
So depressing. I'm mainly annoyed about the opportunities I probably missed out on because of him. And also at myself for not being braver to just confront it, but then that's hard when we're young. Thanks for this comment, Daphne x
Too many stories. Where to start?
Exactly, Claire. Far too many. I hope something starts to change.
Oh no!!! This makes me so angry for you - wtf? How terrible this is that it created such distance for you from a special time when you had killed it all along. I hate it. I’m so sorry this happened.
I too have a tongue-stuck-down-my throat on-mass-transit-story - it was the ‘visting director’ and I was the actress who he wanted to give ‘any role I wanted’ - which meant I chose a much lesser role cause I knew everyone else knew that he wanted into my pants. I stayed way the hell away after that to ensure no body parts came close - gah! He was 25 years my senior with a wife and a baby. And the Dean asked me to show up to a fundraiser telling me that director wanted me there. What!?! The hell!?! Gross multiplied by gross.
Disgusting behaviour, but so not surprising. I'm sorry you had to deal with that, Jane. I hate that in both of these situations we lost out despite having done nothing wrong.
Thanks so much for sharing.
I’m so sorry you experienced this. Mine was a driving instructor - I was 19 years old, learning to drive at university and the instructor asked me to park up next a quiet, grassy area and told me he had a “talent”: he could guess a woman’s cup size by juggling her breasts in his hands. I remember feeling so vulnerable in the car alone with him. He must have been in his 40s at the time, he had a teenage daughter and a partner, and I remember that feeling of not knowing what was going to happen next - and of being afraid. Fortunately, nothing did happen (but I gave up on the driving lessons until I finished university). Now, almost 40 myself, I think about that time often and feel angry that that the power dynamic was so disproportionate that he felt empowered to behave that way.
This makes me so angry too, Victoria. Thank you for sharing. You put driving on hold because of him, hence not being able to gain the skill you wanted when you wanted. That's so wrong.
And that seems to be the common theme: women feeling like they have to change their behaviour to accommodate, or avoid, the bad behaviour of the men in question, rather than the men in question learning that their behaviour is disgraceful. It’s not fair, it’s not right but I am ever hopeful that it will be different for future generations.
I hope so 🤞🏻
I’m horrified you were treated like this! In my first job, when I was 18, a friend of my boss used to come in for a chat. He was ex Met Police now working in ‘security’ His speciality was “weighing’ my breasts my coming up behind me and lifting my bra straps. I had no idea how to handle it or him. Sometimes there were members of the public present (it was an Estate Agents), sometimes I was in the phone talking to a potential house buyer. My boss did nothing. It’s just one example in a life time of similar experiences of men mis-using their power, getting a kick out of making women (and girls) feel unsafe, uncomfortable and publicly humiliated. I loved my job but never felt safe there.
This is so humiliating and I’m angry for you that you had to deal with this. Especially as nobody called it out. It’s so incredibly depressing to hear how almost every single woman who has read this post has a story of some kind. Thank you for sharing - maybe if we keep drawing attention to these ‘situations’ it may slowly start to make certain people realise that this isn’t ok. At all. And, we remember.
Mine was a client at work in my twenties. He lunged at me in a pub trying to kiss me and immediately apologised and stopped when I pulled away and he saw my face. Of course I never mentioned it at work and yes, I thought that it was my fault. I just thought it was one of those things that came with working in a male dominated sector. Most men were paternal with me, as he had been. His daughters weren’t much younger than me. I shrugged it off, nothing to see here. Just one of those work stories we collected.
I’m so sorry your experience stopped you from fully celebrating everything you’d achieved.
It’s taken me years to realise that this has been the case. As with your experience, I think I shrugged it off and buried the memory as an embarrassing story. The irony is that it should have been him that was embarrassed, not me!
Not to diminish or ignore that males can experience something similar, but it does feel that every single woman has several stories to share.
I'm certain you're right. It's very sad.
Ugh sorry Hannah - this sounds horrible. And I’m angry on your behalf!
But what was strange and sad I realized as I read this piece, is that I thought it myself that I would imagine (and put money on) most of us (females) having a similar story to tell.
What a horrible experience - and one that resonates with me.
It wasn't nice at all and the worst part is definitely thinking about what I've avoided since as a result. Thanks for reading Lizzie.
I have the same regrets about avoiding things!
So many… I dont know which one to write about. In the 1980’s In my early 20’s, I worked for some Eurobond brokers in the City of London. Lots of alcohol, and money, these guys thought they could do anything. My life has had so many of these uncomfortable moments which in retrospect did affect where I went. I used to dread going to work and passing these guys in the corridor.
I’m 64 now, and now have a little bit more chutzpah to be able to say to someone how I feel. Back then it was the “norm” and not called out.
I was not equipped back then or did I have the self confidence to respond to the perpetrators. Some of the time I was flattered at the attention. How misguided I was! I wish could call out some of these guys now.
Thanks for sharing Eleanor and I’m sorry you had to deal with this as the norm back then. I do hope things are moving on but think it’s very slow progress.
So sorry this happened to you, Hannah. Sadly, as you said, most of us have one or more of these incidents filed away in our past, the impact of which is much bigger than many of us let on. I have too many to tell, unfortunately. I recently fired a man who had done regular maintenance work on our home for years when he used a casual side hug to cop a feel. I didn't think twice.
Sorry you had to experience that, Maria but good to know that you were able to call it out right away. It’s especially disappointing coming from someone you’ve known for years and trusted.
Thank you for sharing this, Hannah. I’m so sorry that you had to experience this. What a horrid man. Like others say, where do you start? So many to choose from…
Thanks Naomi. It’s so depressing isn’t it that so many people don’t know where to begin on their list of similar experiences. I hope that by writing about it, it might help a tiny bit. We can hope!
Thank you for sharing that Hannah. it feels corny to say but, I'm sorry for your loss. It was a loss of many things for you. I am glad you got it out of you and hope it inspires others to do the same.
Thanks Edie. I hope so too. It’s amazing what we bury in our brains and how we take ourselves out of the situation. I wish I’d had the courage to face up to him but I didn’t.
Thank you for sharing your story and sorry this happened to you. In corporate life in my twenties I worked with a lot of senior men in their fifties and it was always surprising to me that many of them clearly didn’t get that I saw them as a mentor or paternalistic supportive figure, not a crush!
Thanks for reading, Emma, and also for sharing your similar experiences. So depressing.
I’m so sad for you that this man sullied your relationship with a cherished institution and special time in your life. It’s abhorrent, and depressing that so many of us (if not all of us women) have similar stories x
So depressing. I'm mainly annoyed about the opportunities I probably missed out on because of him. And also at myself for not being braver to just confront it, but then that's hard when we're young. Thanks for this comment, Daphne x
So sorry you had to live this. Thank you for sharing your story with us. It resonates on so many levels.
Thanks Emy 🧡