An introvert's thoughts on finding your people
Why do some environments feel more comfortable than others?
When you feel comfortable around another person, or a group of people, you just know. It’s a feeling. At least, that’s how it is for me.
I’m an introvert - precisely 76% introverted says the personality test I did, but also 75% assertive according to the same test. In the most basic terms I think of that as having a strong point to get across, but unless I’m in a group of people I feel comfortable with, I’m unlikely to make said point.
That was pretty much the story of my later school and university experiences and beyond.
When I think back to my primary school days and becoming a big fish in a very small pond - literally I was 5’5” aged 10, and my school had about 100 pupils in total - I was super-confident. I wasn’t afraid to put my hand up and answer questions in class or put myself forward for anything. I was fearless and excited to do everything. I was comfortable in that smaller environment. I knew everyone and they knew me and that allowed me to be confident. I could be me.
And then I went to secondary school, aged 11. I arrived there with little to no friends as all of my primary school friends had gone to different schools. In my new year 7 form class there was no one else from my primary school, just 30 new faces. I was terrified on the inside but put a brave face on outwardly.
Suddenly I was in a situation where I couldn’t be me in the same way. At primary school, achieving was celebrated and the people-pleaser in me was always desperate to achieve, get things right, be praised. At secondary school, academic achievement was not celebrated by my peers. My teachers, yes, but they didn’t help you to make friends. And so then started the merry dance of life where I tried to be me when I could, but knew there were certain situations and certain people in front of whom I had to adapt if I wanted to ‘fit in’. Answering questions in class was my least-favourite activity despite the fact I almost always knew the answer. Looking back, I think that was because I was constantly afraid of being judged.
It got a little better and I found my way, meeting some other like-minded friends, one of whom is still a very good friend today. But mostly it was a case of avoiding people or situations that didn’t sit right with me and biding my time until I went to the next school for GCSEs (there was a middle-school system where I went to school in the Midlands).
At my upper school I was put into sets for all of my classes and suddenly I was with many more like-minded people than at my previous school. As GCSEs and later A Levels approached, it became cool to get good grades and I started to find my rhythm.
By my final year of A Levels I was comfortable again, I’d found my people and could be me.
And then I went to university.
Once again, I was in brand new environment with people from a wide range of backgrounds and I was by far not the best at what I was studying - music. For the next three years, I managed ok but often felt out of my depth, would never put up my hand to answer a question and was only truly comfortable around my close group of friends. By the middle of the third year, I started to find my way and feel more confident and comfortable in what I was doing and where I was. But by then it was almost time to leave and go onto the next stage of life.
Is this how everything is going to be in my life? I wondered. Would it always take around 2-3 years to feel comfortable somewhere?
After my undergraduate degree, I went on to do a 1-year PGCE course where I trained as a secondary school music teacher. Unlike my early days at university, I found my place right away. There were 25 or so of us on my course, far fewer than my undergraduate degree and I was able to make friends quickly and feel confident in what I was doing. I don’t think I ever hugely worried about having to speak out in front of people during that year. This time I’d found my people much more quickly and had a sense that teaching was something I could do quite well.
I think that gave me a lot of confidence because as soon as the teacher training year was finished, I enrolled on a part-time master’s degree at a London music conservatoire. I had secured myself a part-time teaching job and would complete the master’s degree over 3 years, also part-time.
From the outset of the master’s degree, I felt comfortable and like I’d found my people. Most of my classes were in small groups with tutors I liked and respected and I truly felt that I could be myself whilst I was there. It was a great time of my life and very creatively active and fulfilling .
Interestingly, at exactly the same time I didn’t feel quite so comfortable in my teaching job. I was fine around my immediate department colleagues, but whenever I had to go to wider school events or meetings, I would feel more stressed. It was a big school with around 1200 pupils and hundreds of staff.
As I write this, many things are dawning on me; mainly that I’m much more comfortable in smaller groups. That’s the clear trend throughout my life, so far.
That trend continued further into my teaching career. After leaving the huge school, I moved to a much smaller independent school in central London. It was 3-form entry and after a year or so there I knew the name of almost every pupil in the school. That would not have been possible in the previous place. The staff body, too, was much smaller with a cosy common room next door to the staff work desks. I was able to get to know the majority of my colleagues and feel strongly like I was part of the ‘team’. I have such fond memories of my days in this job and I think a huge part of that was the feeling of finding my people and fitting in.
The final step on my teaching career ladder, before I retrained last year, was into a more senior position heading up a music department in another large school. Not quite as large as the first, but there were still around 1000 pupils and a significant body of staff. My new role meant I had no choice but to ‘be’ confident in what I was doing. I forced myself into situations and just got on with it, but I never felt like I could truly be myself. I’m not sure I realised that at the time.
Why am I telling you all of this? I suppose that by reflecting back like this I can see that my 76% introvert-ism has been with me for my whole life.
For many years I’ve tried to bury those feelings of discomfort when faced with large groups of people, or thought that I was a bit strange for preferring to spend time with one or two close friends or family members rather than being faced with a large gathering. But actually, that’s just how I’m wired.
The social occasions I find myself in that I enjoy are because I’m around people who truly know me, and who I can have deeper conversations with. I’m not interested in small talk; I either want to have an interesting conversation or not bother at all. There’s not really any middle ground.
Launching my own business over the past year has had its challenges, but I am hugely enjoying the focus on one-to-one interactions with my clients where we cut to the chase quickly and hone in on the interior design challenges they are facing and how I can to solve them. I love that most of the time I am working on my own and can manage my time accordingly, yet pop out to visit suppliers when I feel the need for some more interaction. It’s a good balance so far.
BTW, the personality test is scarily accurate in everything I’ve read about myself. Try it here if you want to see what it says about you!
www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test
Speaking of finding your people, I’ve found mine here on Substack. I can honestly say that everyone I’ve built connections with and my interactions here have been the sort that build my confidence and make me feel like I can do this. It’s extremely refreshing, especially online. I’ve connected with several people on Substack that I’ve then gone on to meet up with in person, and I’ve got two dates in my diary in September where that is happening again. I love this!
One of my absolute favourite groups to spend time with is those who show up to the Create Ensemble online sessions I host monthly. The next one is taking place on Tuesday 27th August at 7pm (UK time - BST) and I would be delighted to welcome some new faces.
We chat briefly at the start and then spend 50 minutes working on a creative project of our choosing: writing, reading, knitting, making something, composing… your choice! At the end we chat to see how we each got on. I made a short video explaining it in more detail at the bottom of last Sunday’s post which you can find here.
The session is for paid subscribers because it costs me almost £16 per month for my Zoom subscription alone. Paid subscribers will find the link to the session below but please do upgrade if you’d like to join us. There’s no pressure to talk if you don’t want to (I imagine myself, aged 13, when I write this) and I think that you will do something especially creative and enriching with that hour that you wouldn’t otherwise do.
See you there!
Hannah x